Written 5.15.15...
Dear Mason,
As I sit here on the eve of your sisters birth I want to write you a letter so you always know just how much you mean to me. I am afraid this new adjustment will rock your world but I know as with everything else, your strong soul can handle it. Having a sibling will be more than worth it for you, a constant playmate, confidant, and friend. While we never wanted you to be our only child, I want you to always know how much I love you you, not because you were our first but because of the incredible person you are and the pure joy, many lessons, and constant comedic relief you bring to our lives.
You are only 2 but you are already the most incredible person...I admire your thirst for knowledge, always asking about "that sound?" or "what's that?", "how come", and "some?" when it comes to food. You are always up to try something new and like to digest new situations before diving in. You are so observant! Watching how others do things for a few minutes and then off you go to give it a try. I hope you always keep this adventurous, no-shame attitude where you don't worry about what others think and aren't too shy to give something new a go.
You are so fun-loving, always saying "that's funny!", "I'm funny!", or "this is/was fun!". You soak up knowledge like a sponge with your seemingly photographic memory and it amazes people how quickly you pick up words, phrases, even short sentences. You love to read, run and eat.
For as much as your as sweet and fun you are also persistent and stubborn, when you want something it's pretty much Mason's way or an epic tantrum but you can be reasoned and bartered with and somehow even at a year old you could be reasoned with. We always give it to you straight, since day one. We vowed not to lie to you or sugar coat things. When people have, the expression on your face tells me you see right through it and you tend not to spend time with that person. When we explain things to you in adult words you somehow understand that you can't eat 39 strawberries in a sitting because you have to save room for other foods too. You even comprehend that too many of a particular fruit will give you diaper rash ("owies on your tushy") and are quick to remind us of that.
You and I have always had a special bond, even before you were born we were a team. You knew me right away and we had the sweetest relationship, you rarely cried if mama was around and it was easy to console you with milk. I swear up until you were 4-5 months old I could will you back to sleep with my mind when sitting in a separate room. You would wake and knowing you weren't hungry or needing me I would put my hand on my stomach to connect with you and talk or sing you back to sleep. I swear I was connected with you. As that constant and unexplainable piece of our connection faded we developed an even stronger worldly one. I put you to sleep for nearly every nap for 10 months of your life and nearly every bed time for 15 months. We spent so much time together and I really know you, your needs are intuitive to me and I met them so easily mostly without even thinking about it. I love these days we are having right NOW.
You love your Daddy and watching your relationship develop is my favorite thing to see. He is an incredible man and an even better father which I want you to always remember.
You also love your Grandpa, Grandma, Christian, Papa, and Gimi. You have your own special bonds and inside jokes with each of them and it is so sweet for us to see. You make them glow when you are around and they agree on how special and incredible you are.
You've started to spontaneously say " I love you Mama" or ask for hugs and kisses which turns me to mush every.single.time. Even though I know love is not a concept you can fully understand at this point, there is nothing better than hearing this from you and I know you see how happy it makes me.
Someday when God blesses you with children of your own you will understand just how intense and deep my love goes. It is literally a do anything, say anything, lay down your life kind of love that cannot be fully articulated. Know I will always be here for you no matter what you do or what you say, you will NEVER be able to make me stop loving you. Sometimes you might do things that make me angry or disappoint me but that's only because I see your incredible potential and the amazing man you have the opportunity to be. When you encounter pain, I will too, when your heart breaks mine will too. When there are hardships I will want to fix everything for you but I know it's better for me to be coaching from the wings so you build the confidence to do these things yourself. Eventually I will need to let go completely and you won't need my constant guidance. I don't know when that will be but the day is coming and when it does I will be there wholeheartedly cheering on my beautiful boy.
Being "here" for you sometimes might look different than what you want it to but know that my actions towards you and for you are always done with only the very best of intentions. I will make mistakes and at times misjudge what you need from me but my actions or always based on love and the best of intentions. I hope that even when I do things to make you angry or disappoint you can always remember I am trying my very best to be who and what you need.
Although you have only been a part of me for 2 years + 9 months I will continue to feel this way in every single moment I spend with or without you. I can only imagine the emotions i will experience as you leave our home to start your own adult life. I'll miss the constant time we get to share together and my heart will ache not seeing you each morning but I know this is the way of life and that raising you up in the way you should go and watching you go on your own is exactly what I need to do for you. Parenting is extremely tough in that way, just when i want to hold you closer and keep you with me is when I need to let you go and be your own person with your own life.
Love you always,
Mama
