I could probably write a book on this one because I have so many stories...people just can't keep their comments to themselves. Telling people you are expecting is a wonderful and exciting...and then you get the questions from people who need a little more tact and should spend a few minutes just being happy for you.
- Is the Dad going to get a better job?
- Oh can you afford to move from your 1 bedroom?
- You look like you are going to pop, when are you due?
- Look at your BIG bump?
- Didn't you JUST have one?
- You'll never sleep again...
- You must be having twins...
- Holy stretch marks!
- Umm aren't you a little old?
- What a tiny bump...
- Same Dad as the first?
- I just thought you were gaining weight...
- You look VERY pregnant
- But, you don't look pregnant?
- You're getting a second plate?
- You aren't eating enough for two!
- Aww your poor stretched out face...
- Baby is only the size of an avocado, what else is in there?
- You dyed your hair?!?!
- But that box of Oreos isn't organic
People have either said these things to me or I've heard them said to others. Probably most people have gotten or heard the "wow you are huge" genre of comments. I hear the opposite observation, for some reason I always appear to be very small, as in half the size of any of my pregnant friends even at D-Day and guess what? I also think it is odd! Every single appointment the doctor told me you look small but you're measuring right on the money.
Although I enjoy avoiding most of the shopping required by pregnancy, it feels odd and anticlimactic to be halfway through your pregnancy, planning the nursery and day-dreaming of maternity leave without even having a single person notice. As I sit here at 19 weeks barely having to disguise this bump (if you can even call it that) I am realizing I look more like I ate too many burritos than someone who is 19 weeks in to this adventure and it becomes ever-more apparent that I show later and not as much.
Being pregnant you already feel so judged as people evaluate your choices to eat sushi and soft cheese, taste some wine, the pacifiers you put on your registry, the list goes on. They look you up and down every time they see you, cataloging the various changes, her face isn't as bloated as so and so's, her butt is huge, wow her skin looks like it did in middle school when people called her pizza face. I know you do it and you know what, I did too. Through my experiences during my first pregnancy I really noticed how negative and unbecoming it was and vowed to be intentional about my thoughts towards others. Partly because it's the right thing to do and partly because I would never want a child I raise to think it's acceptable to use anything other than kind words towards others. I strongly believe thoughts -->words-->actions and I won't have that unpleasantness (or worse) in my home.
Everything you notice about someone, they see ten-fold, all day, everyday, so let's say positive things and send them positive thoughts. You thought the judgement ended when you left high-school didn't you? Well there's a whole new set of mean girls coming your way and unfortunately they are the girls of old who never found a better way. Unfortunately,this is a reality of life and particularly in the tribe motherhood.
In my first pregnancy I remember going to a bridal shower at 37 weeks for a friend who was 26 weeks. With only two pregnant ladies at the party everyone asked when I was due and you could see the shock, confusion, and then concern that I was so much smaller than my pregnant comrade. I mean her belly was literally twice the size of mine (we did that measure your belly with a string shower game so I know this for a fact) and if I had never been pregnant before I would probably have the same confusion as others but I would hope that the poise taught to me by my southern mother would never allow the emotions to be written all over my face. My friend looked great and healthy btw, not "HUGE" so there was no way for people to mentally reconcile away the difference amd the comments just popped out unfiltered. One mom I've known for 13 years (a MOM! Can you believe that? And she's a Grandma to boot!) in particular was really harping on it asking questions like "the doctor didn't say anything?", "so the baby is healthy?", "are you sure they checked?" "wait so the doctor isn't concerned about the baby's health?". I mean this went on and on as we sat together watching the
mama-to-be open her gifts so there was no politely excusing myself. I rarely let anything get to me but I remember being so distraught that night and crying in bed about how people could be so judgmental and the world our son will face. The doctor and I knew our baby was healthy and I was offended. I took it as people clearly thinking I was already a clueless and incompetent mother. And if I am being honest, from that night on I prayed at least once a day that our son would be born weighing more than 8lbs.
When my husband confided in our doctor about this situation he summed up everything I was feeling perfectly, "how offensive, as if they think you wouldn't be worried about this and already have done the research, asked the questions, done the googling..."
Listen, I appreciate the care, concern and attention genuinely given by our friends and family but do you think I'm totally oblivious to these "differences" in my my life, my pregnancy? That I haven't already googled the bejeez out of this, searched the depths of the internet for an answer?
When our sweet boy came out at a healthy 8lbs 1 oz (nearly a whole pound heavier than all the other moms-to-be I knew) the petty side of me thought boo-ya grandma, BAM, in your face nosy on-lookers I have a perfectly healthy baby, normal (not my favorite word) size baby all long (not that weight defines health or that a less hefty baby is less healthy but I think you know what I'm saying here). It's
silly but I felt validated.
Obviously this kind of negative talk and judgement goes far beyond interactions with pregnant women so let's remember and strive to keep things positive in all facets of our lives and at the very very least be nice to the hormonal, sweaty, pregnant ladies because they took the leap of faith to construct a human while both tending to business as usual and sacrificing life as they know it for forever and ever and ever.
So what can you say to a pregnant woman? An emphatic (1) Congratulations!! and (2) You look GREAT!
